Curmudgeon Weekly: The Life and Times.

deep thoughts...

2009-04-17T07:54:00.001-07:00

i'm no expert but, i think you should stop tanning...

The Death of Anticipation

2009-01-13T09:22:00.000-08:00

Herewith, a timeline of the demise of excitement, suspense, and the simple pleasure of looking forward to something:

1969- The Self-Esteem Movement is Born: Nathaniel Branden's The Psychology of Self-Esteem establishes a link between healthy self esteem and future success, thereby spawning a generation of overpraising, superlative-wielding parents. Fallout: Legions of competitors are now given medals simply for showing up, sapping the quest for first place of all its intensity and lust.

1980's- Strawberries are Available Year-Round: Advances in distribution and a steep rise in production conspire to turn the fleeting pleasure of bright red spring strawberries into a year-round gastronomic exercise in mediocrity.

1987- Power Doppler is First Marketed in the U.S.: Ultrasound based technology (a.k.a the sonogram) allows soon to be mothers to find out the weight, sex, and hat size of their fetuses. The sickening and subsequent scheduled C-sections and inductions, pre-delivery naming and colorcoding, and official birthplans (the smiths for labor; led zeppelin for pushing) join forces to rob the big day of any remaining drama.

1990's- Al Gore "Invents" the Internet: The single greatest blow to the now-foreign delayed gratification. A mere hint of the many millions of things left annihilated in its wake: waiting all day for your favorite song to be played on the radio- or saving for it's cd, checking weather, stocks, or gasp! box scores in the morning paper, the morning paper itself, planning your summer vacation down to the rest stops you will pause at without ever speaking to a single person who has visited the destination before you, and the torturous-yet-somehow-giddy-hour you were once required to wait whole your one-hour photomat developed your roll of film.

mid 1990's- Caller ID is Available to the Masses: True, we are spared the agony of speaking to telemarketers (and parents, in-laws, and ex's), but we also miss out on that rich-with-promise moment between the ringing of the phone and answering it. (Please GOd, let it be Matthew. Pleeeease be Matthew.)

1998- The Greenhouse is in FULL EFFECT: Although we aren't feeling it now; six of the past 10 years ranking as the hottest on record in the U.S. and global-warming indicators continuing to trend upward, the concept of "looking forward to summer" has become a luxury available to places like Kelwood, and Aleuts, perhaps Santa-Claus. Pass the Coppertone baby- it's summer all year!

2001- The Human Genome is Mapped: Thereby allowing scientists to pinpoint specific genetic combinations associated with a harrowing variety of human diseases. Net result: No more existential head scratching! No more worrying about that "spot" on your earlobe! Used to be, you had to wait 72 years to know how you are going to die. Now you can find out today!

2008- Sarah Palin takes the Sanjaya Phenomenon to a whole new level: We answered, "Practice! Practice!" when our parents or teachers asked "How do you get into Carnegie Hall?" Today, all that hard work? Overrated! If you have no life plan, "visualize" it! If you have no talent, no work ethic, no drive- all the better! What has American Idol and this past years republican VP ticket nominee taught us? That a megawatt smile and a few flirtatious winks are all it takes to succeed.

an old man and his fish.

2009-01-08T17:37:00.000-08:00

ok so everyone (and by everyone I mean our 1 follower) should know that I am moderately obsessed with rare books--- ok, fine. I am completely obsessed.

This is: HEMINGWAY, Ernest. The Old Man and the Sea. New York: Charles Scribner's Sons, 1952. Octavo, original blue cloth, original dust jacket. $2400.

First edition. Early owner signature on front free endpaper. Book fine. Extremely bright dust jacket with a few tiny spots and the slightest wear to spine ends. A beautiful copy, rare in this condition.

Yes, oh heaven-- all that is wonderful and glorious I want... underlined, capitalized, bolded WANT this book. or one of the like.

so in the spirit of the large, uncatchable catch, please enjoy our version of "how to catch the biggest fish":

1. be patient
2. have a sturdy yet flexible pole
3. bring sandwiches
4. be patient
5. we mean, be ready to wait a long ass time.

also, you should look like this when fishing. oh yes, isnt she just a hot ass fisherwoman...i thought you'd think so.

hot.
ass.

mwwaa.

xoxo gossip girl.

CENSORSHIP

2009-01-08T06:27:00.000-08:00

....is bad.

remember, remember the 5th of november.

Sample of our loving relationship...its all very healthy.

2009-01-07T09:31:00.000-08:00

me: asscow

hugeasscow

her: ok off to kinkos

will you be on in about 45?

nevermindill hunt you down

me: yeah you, you hunting cow

her: whorecow

me: hahaha

this is going on the blog

her: huntingwhorecow

wreckless

2009-01-06T19:16:00.000-08:00

duprass.

Co-dependency Cold Turkey.

2009-01-06T18:59:00.000-08:00

Cupcake, a Metaphor.

There was once a time when I could eat a bakers dozen. We'd go someplace quiet, just the 13 of us, sit down and get real comfortable, perhaps turn on Seinfeld and I'd eat you all up. Tops first, savoring each morsel... unless of course your stump sucked, then I just tossed you back onto my plate.

The End.

2008-12-19T20:53:00.000-08:00

"Prop 8 - The Musical" starring Jack Black, John C. Reilly, and many more... by Jack Black

jack black, oh how you slay me.

mmm. shrimp cocktail.
oh bible... shrimp cocktail isnt an 'obama'nation.
ha.

Airport Fantasies in Indianapolis

2008-12-19T05:05:00.000-08:00

First of all, let me start by saying that I was just sneezed on by a middle aged man who- after looking over the ENTIRE waiting area of gate A7, the ENTIRE EMPTY WAITING AREA decides to sit directly behind me.

Then proceeds to sneeze on me.

Needless to say, this man is now lying on a bloody heap on the floor convulsing at intermediate intervals while I chow down on his egg mcmuffin sandwich and tasty hashbrown (what is IN those things, seriously?)

Well, in my mind he is.

Instead my reaction was more like this:

man:(sneeeeeeeze!)

me: ughhhhh! (disgusted look accompanied by grimaced mouth and heavy breathing sounds.)

man: (wipes hands on jeans and continues on with the sports section of the newspaper.)

me: how lovely.

I would seriously like that egg mcmuffin /hashbrown combo though.

rosylyn: a misfit, a muse's vacay

2008-12-18T23:26:00.000-08:00

View Larger Map
this is where rosylyn will be spending some time during the upcoming holiday season. I would like to take a moment to point out 4 critical things:
1. the scale and general vast emptiness that is kelwood canada and its surrounding miles upon miles upon years upon millennia of open space between each 'pocket' of civilized life. kelwood: population: 300.

2. the utter insanity/acute delirium that it would take for a (seemingly) rational person to travel to canada let alone kelwood manitoba.

3. when i searched for kelwood canada it returned with this (ha): Google

Results 1 - 10 of about 35,200 for kelwood canada. (0.21 seconds)
Did you mean: kenwood canada

1. Kenwood
Find Kenwood Products
Shop, Compare and Save at Pronto!
Kenwood.Pronto.com
(ha ha)

4. canada.
if she didnt like a boy in canada, I would make more fun of canada... but alas, i will stop here.

she will be taking part in what is called a meat draw.

here is the gchat [referred to as 'cave'(more on this to come)] thread about a meat draw:
rosylyn: the 20th is the meat draw.
me: what the *expletive* is a meat draw
me: youve been flagrantly throwin that term around like i know what the *expletive* youre talking about
lol
rosylyn: it has a facebook page but its private
*expletive* meat draw
it's a cultural phenomenon

peace out girlscout.

there isn't anything better than you.

2008-12-18T13:51:00.000-08:00

seriously. there isn't.