Herewith, a timeline of the demise of excitement, suspense, and the simple pleasure of looking forward to something:
- 1969- The Self-Esteem Movement is Born: Nathaniel Branden's The Psychology of Self-Esteem establishes a link between healthy self esteem and future success, thereby spawning a generation of overpraising, superlative-wielding parents. Fallout: Legions of competitors are now given medals simply for showing up, sapping the quest for first place of all its intensity and lust.
- 1980's- Strawberries are Available Year-Round: Advances in distribution and a steep rise in production conspire to turn the fleeting pleasure of bright red spring strawberries into a year-round gastronomic exercise in mediocrity.
- 1987- Power Doppler is First Marketed in the U.S.: Ultrasound based technology (a.k.a the sonogram) allows soon to be mothers to find out the weight, sex, and hat size of their fetuses. The sickening and subsequent scheduled C-sections and inductions, pre-delivery naming and colorcoding, and official birthplans (the smiths for labor; led zeppelin for pushing) join forces to rob the big day of any remaining drama.
- 1990's- Al Gore "Invents" the Internet: The single greatest blow to the now-foreign delayed gratification. A mere hint of the many millions of things left annihilated in its wake: waiting all day for your favorite song to be played on the radio- or saving for it's cd, checking weather, stocks, or gasp! box scores in the morning paper, the morning paper itself, planning your summer vacation down to the rest stops you will pause at without ever speaking to a single person who has visited the destination before you, and the torturous-yet-somehow-giddy-hour you were once required to wait whole your one-hour photomat developed your roll of film.
- mid 1990's- Caller ID is Available to the Masses: True, we are spared the agony of speaking to telemarketers (and parents, in-laws, and ex's), but we also miss out on that rich-with-promise moment between the ringing of the phone and answering it. (Please GOd, let it be Matthew. Pleeeease be Matthew.)
- 1998- The Greenhouse is in FULL EFFECT: Although we aren't feeling it now; six of the past 10 years ranking as the hottest on record in the U.S. and global-warming indicators continuing to trend upward, the concept of "looking forward to summer" has become a luxury available to places like Kelwood, and Aleuts, perhaps Santa-Claus. Pass the Coppertone baby- it's summer all year!
- 2001- The Human Genome is Mapped: Thereby allowing scientists to pinpoint specific genetic combinations associated with a harrowing variety of human diseases. Net result: No more existential head scratching! No more worrying about that "spot" on your earlobe! Used to be, you had to wait 72 years to know how you are going to die. Now you can find out today!
- 2008- Sarah Palin takes the Sanjaya Phenomenon to a whole new level: We answered, "Practice! Practice!" when our parents or teachers asked "How do you get into Carnegie Hall?" Today, all that hard work? Overrated! If you have no life plan, "visualize" it! If you have no talent, no work ethic, no drive- all the better! What has American Idol and this past years republican VP ticket nominee taught us? That a megawatt smile and a few flirtatious winks are all it takes to succeed.
